Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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