How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
