There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
