I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
