I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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