i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Someone signed my nipple.
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