She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need to sanitize my soul.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize