so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
