Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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