You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
