I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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