this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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