i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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