My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
