Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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