My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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