FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize