Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think people are normalizing furries
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
