Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize