I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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