Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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