how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
