Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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