Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
