i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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