i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
