seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
