I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
