Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
