So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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