Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
