Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
