omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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