Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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