Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
