Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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