I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
