Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
God, I missed his penis.
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