Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
