Four minutes until I can fart!
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
