There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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