Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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