i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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