there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
