I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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