Don't make out with my wife yet
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
