I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
