I'm so fucking centered right now
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
