My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
