He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
