I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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