Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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