we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
