I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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