Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
