Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
