I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Still dying that you shit outside
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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