Jerry, you need to find god
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
